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My God. [21 Mar 2005|03:36am]
[ mood | creative ]

So, what can I say. I've grown alot. I've grown smarter and just as dumb. I've made more mistakes to count and yet I still find my strength within myself. I'm just living, and existing as one without pause can. I'm a rebel, as one would expect. O but the webs we weave of ourselves. I am happy. I'm really starting to realize what is and isnt defining of my character. Like the way I have feelings for anyone who shows me attention. I mean Sandi and I met once again. A girl from my distant past. A first in my real book of first. Like the first girl I could say I wanted to rescue more than once now however its so set in ways that I can't change, but I am who I am. I have about 2 weeks and I become of legal age to drink. I wish I could say my life had begun or at least had gotten started b4 such a pitifull time, but we reap what we sow. Most certainly. Things are terrible with the girl, so I'll settle for the great guy. Hey, not all of us find change in a half hour. Its a timetaker I assure you. I know most of you will read this and smile slightly at the small mention to my life but what little I can share I shall.

I can say that an answer is adrift in the waterfall of creation. I still have my beliefs as a person, but its time for some upheavel. So foot putting down, maybe with motivation however once it has begun, Mortal Kombat will be flawless. Anyway the day of my birthday is when the Episode 3 book is released. I'm fucking stoked man cause not only do I have that awesome book to look forward to, but my first concert will be in Tallahasse, with the boyfriend. Weird just saying those words. I've not forgotten a thing my friends. And this wont be a burn I assure you. I'm happy.
Life is as it should be.

4 stabs lto my broken heart

hey... [17 Feb 2005|11:34am]
[ mood | curious ]

What can I say? I have been "existing". Living with the constant possibility of Hope, that never dies. I only hope now. I hope that my one will come soon, and I hope that I do not become the failure I feel I'm destined to be.
I met this girl named Sara and I like here alot. Good times. Like last night we sat in complete darkness while like some people kept putting lighters in their mouths and making huge flames to light the room up, well somehow our hands found each other and I had the most pleasure, I've had holding a hand hear recently. Amanda and I broke up, but it was meant to happen. I am at the point right now where Skaa and sad music really helps...Post some for me. I love Reel Big Fish but I have so little Ska it isnt funny...so help.

My thought these days consist of the people I've never seen but always know my thoughts, and Wes. I hate that combination but I find the hardest thing to do it is to let go. Although I must say, that while I was holding the beautiful Saras' hand, I felt or thought little of Wes...so here's to hope.

7 stabs lto my broken heart

[06 Feb 2005|10:24pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Well hello friends. I know its been to long, and I have alot to recap so bear with me. Alot has changed. First off I have this amazing new girlfriend. Amanda. She is absolutely beautiful. I have been going in out of the usual spaces and normally just being the person I am inside. I am loved I can tell. I have alot of friends at this point I must say, that to neglect my Lj, was never an intention but I must say: 1st) the ps2 and MGS3 - Awesome fucking game. I'm playing it through for my fourth time. Hard difficulty this time. I cant wait for extreme. It will be fun. Also Suikoden IV - which is one awesome engaging rpg.

I wish I could say alot more about all the time thats passed but I can say I'm not depressed, I still watch my Yahoo, aimlessly for Wes, and I defer to the Colin Hay song I posted b4 about that. I will always have some piece of longing for him within my heart, I've learned I dont have to throw that away and hate everything but just, relax, realize and understand. Its simple as I always say.
I met the most beautful little girl while hanging with Amanda this very weekend. Her neice Sandi. The most precious things. I have pics of them both which I'll post. I hope everyone is well, and know I think of all of you more often than you deserve and less often do the thoughts consist of anything Negative.
Stay Positive, know I love you. Its all good.

I do have something eating away at me...what do I do, when I know the person I'm with, wont be the person I'll be with forever?
I mean I will love her, I can tell, but its just not that "meant" to be. We are happy, and I am fully open about how I feel. We have very good understanding.

I've known her for about 5 years, and although most of that time was spent not being around each other we were brough inexplicably together and we have been enjoying it for about 1 week and a half now. I mean yep, it just began so anything is possible. I'm good. Really.

Peace, love, and chicken grease.

10 stabs lto my broken heart

[24 Jan 2005|02:51am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I 've lost touch. I wonder if anyone wants me back?

I doubt it.

I have nothing to recap except I lost my job.

Yeah bug bummer there. They saw I couldnt do it. So they took the initiative. I got a ps2 with my paycheck since I'll get paid for like 3 days of work. I also got Metakl Gear Solid 3 "Snake Eater" fucking sweet. I have been tryingmy damdest to get this fucking game beat but I just keep enjoying just starting over. One the very best games ever I am certain of it.

I am very sad. I know the same thing after all this time, but I am going to get another job, so wish me luck. I hope all you guys are ok. I really miss what once was here, but now I think more about myself than anything. And I hate it.

I wish I had somewhere or someone to goto that wouldnt expect it of me, that wouldnt ask a single question, would just steer things the way they knew would fix them, with utter control. I want a friend like that. Someone where speaking isnt needed because you dont deal with the bullshit. The day in and Day out, bullshit. Someone asked me my motto the other day and I replied "SSDD" and they of course didnt know what it was so I let it slide. I dont have to bore everyone, just my Lj.

I hate the silence more than ever.

This beautiful Green Day song keeps me company, at most.
The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

I love it.

look at that, love, even in sadness.

Beauty in all things.

14 stabs lto my broken heart

My fucking god... [21 Jan 2005|07:35pm]
[ mood | without hope ]

I have alot to recap so bear with me, as my thoughts fly about.

Ok so yesterday I had the most awesome, cookout ever. The interesting thing about it was it was the house next door to Crystals. I had watched the house often out of envy for their burner off their back porch. We sat around eating and talking and enjoying each others company. It was also Melanies' sons' Birthday. He turned 6 and I prepared the food. It was a good feeling to know that a cookout had been a cookout and I had prepared the food, because the night ended in firworks. Fun.

So then I had to goto work. It was fucking hell. They berated me, I had people laughing with other people at their tables about me and how poor I was doing. I didnt have a good time at all. I mean this bitch of a Manager took all my tips that I was doing the work for. I got 30 bucks. Then I spent it. But you'll understand why soon enough.

I came home 45 minutes after I was supposed to. My leg had ripped a muscle or something through the night and was becoming so unbearably stiff I stood still after each step. I got home, peeled the clothes off my body, and then Quite beyond my control mind you, I just started crying and screaming. I thought over and over who I could call just to tell me it would be ok, I had noone. None that I wanted to bother with my weakness, I couldnt even get to Lj to sum my thoughts up. I mean I just had the most un-controlable screaming and crying. Then when I could finally compose myself, I called my dad, and I asked him to come home just to see me. I could tell he was worried but to show him the seriousness of this I said as little as possible. I just couldnt handle hearing it outloud especially over a phone. I just couldnt. Mind I had already been crying for well over 20 minutes b4 I got the courage to call him. He came home and just walked in questioning why I was crying and he just came and held me. I asked to tell me everything would be ok. I just feel so weak-willed, I cant hold the tears back even now. I am forcing them away but only in failed attempts. I want to find another job as soon as I fucking can because I cannot handle this again. ITs like goddamn high-school and I'm fucking done being the joke.
I finally fell asleep around 9, which I had gotten home at 7:45. My dad left at about 8:15.

I couldnt stop the crying was my biggest fear. I couldnt physically or mentally stop them. I just started and couldnt stop, and it wasnt happy crying, and it still isnt.

I want to die.

But I'll go to work, and allow it to happen just as slowly.

Ryan, thank you for leaving that message. I really want to talk but once again I have to goto work.

Tonight I have this fear that I wont be able to hold them back. I can't shake it, just thinking down that path and knowing I'll be up there in less than 15minutes wearing that goddamn uniform and knowing its going to be the busiest night of the week save tomorrow 2. Yeah I work both of them.

I can't fucking handle. I'm so weak.

I screamed harder than I've ever screamed for Wes.
I regrett letting you all know that.
But I will not hide my deepest of feelings.

I hope I dont cry.I hope I dont cry. I hope I dont cry. I hope I dont cry.

I wont Breakdown.

6 stabs lto my broken heart

ok now my night...or day rather. [20 Jan 2005|02:10pm]
[ mood | content ]

O. K.

Last night was my first night on the Floor. Same as it used to be, and considering, I'm thankful I've been trained with the new System because that instantly means, I'm training everyone at the Crestview store. Everyone asked me questions and had me give examples and the calling them out. I loved it, as I always perfom on the stage of life. Every page is a play of some kind I must say.

After the night Died down, an Old friend of my sisters came in, and when they realized it was me they beckeoned me to their table and proceeded the idle chitchat of old friends. The "how ya beens?" and the ever popular "so what do you do now?", and then flat out, they asked me on a date. I was shocked and stuttering overmyself happy to oblige. I can only hope good things come of it. I do like them, but there is no jumping for me now. I'm happy though that I've been given the chance to meet and know just one more beautiful person.

I thought about this alot while I got to sit around last night, and that was: I consider every single person whom I come into contact with beautiful in some way. It doesnt matter if they have a lisp or a hump, or a horrible german accent that you can never understand, I always find some thing thats beautiful about them and associate, in my mind, them with that beauty. I find myself falling in love as friends. I've come to conclusion that I'm to know more people than I should be able to permit, but each one will always be remembered in some way, if not by name but by beauty.

2 stabs lto my broken heart

[20 Jan 2005|01:59pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I found this song, that I just never realized until last night how much it really signifies the point I'm at with my X, Wes.

Colin Hay - I just dont think I'll ever get over you

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place thats far away
And when i'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived til I was a hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

No longer moved to drink strong whiskey
I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived 'till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

A face that dances and it haunts me
With laughter still ringin in my ears
I still find peices of your presence here
even, even after all these years

I don't want you thinkin that I don't get asked to dinner
Cuz I'm here to say that I sometimes do
And even though I may seem to feel a touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived til I was a hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

to my broken heart

Yep always with da Quizes! [19 Jan 2005|02:15pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

The Jester!

What was your job in a past life? (LOTS of results & Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Congrats! You're the Princess of Hyrule! Although you suffer from an identity crisis, your character is not weak. You care deeply for those around you and often put your worldly knowledge to use by helping people with their problems. You sometimes depend on others, but are not incompetent; when the time calls for it, you can kick some serious ass.

Take the Which OoT Character are You? Quiz!

to my broken heart

[19 Jan 2005|02:56am]
[ mood | Poetic ]

I have a plethora of possibity in front of me. I think the best thing is I'll have Lj to copy it all when it come s along. I have so many choices and things that could actually affect me in very diverse ways. Like, this saving idea, I could easily do it. For I have confidence in myself. And if I did save then for what? I wonder...if school would be best? Maybe goto OwCC and take like 2 or 3 classes. Just simple subjects I could enhance, like a poetry class, where I could learn I'm nowhere. Or a couple of Psych classes. So I could pursue a field of some kind in Psychology like I've always wanted. I've never really had the ability to give it thought and just knowing that I will have a job tomorrow night and the next and the next is a very stable feeling. Very comforting to know that someone will need me to come in at my time and do what I'm supposed to do. Without questions or complexities. I know it wont be simple but it wont be complex, I mean geeze does it always have to be 2 words or something? Its gonna be "simplex".

And then the priest asked me "What the hell have you been smoking?".

I have this running drive within to put every little thing in its place, every fact I come across that must have its simple rememberance. Memory. The only thing that truly grows as a sidewalk. Always fading and cracking, and within those cracks comes the small slips of doubt or embellishment we add over time. We can't escape it can we? The true diversity is this, that this is only the beginning of some much bigger whole.

You see I have this theory of reality.(to place at best)
That as your doing things, the ripples of past effects are rushing back and forth from your thoughts and that with the energy of that thought and its given realm of possibilty, we create that possibility, or sortof allow ourselves to fall into a position where that possibility is most likely or the probable outcome. That (simply) the very thought of any given action or possibility, regarding any given situation, and based upon the context of ones reasoning and feelings towards that thought they inadvertantly effect things around them, so they seemingly fall into the way of thought or possibility or circumstance.

Where Intention can create as much as action. And possibilities are as endless as I am desperate.

I've never really gotten a true chance to talk about myself because, at the very thought I feel conceited, and therefore I'll distract myself with useless facts of the situation. I mean its not that I dont talk about myself, I just feel I never really share myself from my perpsective or way. And I rarely have people listen anyway. Thats why I love Lj. The people who want to read, stop and do.

The one thing I can ever say is that I've only ever tried to speak from my heart. I can say that all the people I've ever known in person have never done that. In fact, I've found a few of them rather heartless.
I feel at this point that most peoples emotions are a movie they choose not to watch but always quote from.

I feel more at peace. I feel very strong and ready.

With the truth at ones side his heart should shine brave and fearless, for all who look upon him will feel the drive of truth and fall helplessly into its blunder.

I hate how colds it gotten. I have to grow more tolerant of the cold, I think. Because I sit in a well heated room alot, and under covers most of the time. I can only wonder if thats why I'm freezing in my house. O fucking well. I'm gonna stay up as late as I can for the remainder of the night, but I just had to post that. Because I felt this desire hit with a need I cant well describe.

I reach towards the sky and covering my hands I bring them to bare for all to see showing a bounty of stars that flutter and glitter about. I open my palms lovingly towards my friends, giving them what I happily can.

Is that simple yet?

to my broken heart

The truth. [19 Jan 2005|01:36am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

So the job is great. Finally found something I am sure I can stick with. I think I finally feel at peace with the chaos that my life has become. Chaos is all the serenity of the insane, and sanity of the simple.

I got a call from Brad not to long ago. He said Wes was coming over. I successfully stopped myself from breaking into tears at his mention, and personally I couldnt be more angry. I just hate that I still feel the way I do. That I fight to hold back tears when I hear something he loved. That I walk around the mall watching every direction I can, so I can run at the first sight of him. I'd hate to run into him. Funny I'm talking to Aaron right now and I just get the strangest feeling he is working some thing behind my back. Always upto something he is. I can only wonder.

I have to stay up all night, and then it becomes ritual to sleep during the day and to work at night. Man I miss LJ already. All the people. All the love. I do think this job is a healthy alternative to most of the other things I do, but I still feel like there is somewhere or something I'm just not seeing. Like some ghost of a whisper pushing me slightly in some unknown direction.

I say take me, push with all its might, for I would happily give release. And flow freely through a whisper. To become what none see but always hear would be a truth I could never fathom. You see the beauty of humanity is this, we have truths...and we have lies. We just dont know which is which yet. But we are steadily getting closer I think..or farther...Eh...who cares.

I miss Melissa. I enjoy talking with her most. That connection you feel with very few people just because of some simpleness thats neither real nor unreal. We simply enjoy the solitude of another, and are content to know each other for a good long while. At least I hope so. For the pleasure isnt what happens now, but what we have to show from it later.

In all truth.
Let it be told.

That those who side with death,
Their screams are of value gold.

I hate not being able to just come up with stuff off the top of my head...but then again...I dont.

Stupid man.

2 stabs lto my broken heart

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